If you have come to this page, you may be struggling with your marriage and have no idea what to do. Marital abuse can be completely overwhelming and divorce is not an easy decision. However, having some practical information to guide you through the process can help in navigating this uncharted territory. Following is a checklist with questions specifically designed to facilitate your thought process. Then, there is a worksheet to help you organize your next steps. Also included is information on divorce definitions and a comparison of the divorce options available. Be sure to research the options where you live as these may differ from state to state.
PREPARATION CHECKLIST
INITIAL QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
Is reconciliation or counseling possible?
Could marital counseling help?
Should I explore non- adversarial, non-court options?
Is it possible that my spouse would be willing to explore non-court options as well?
When everything has been completed, what do I hope the outcome will be?
Is my safety at risk?
EVALUATING YOUR DIVORCE PROCESS OPTIONS
Review Process Options below
Determine what your options might be for this decision
Google ‘Divorce Options’ & ‘Divorce Workshops’ in your area
DETERMINING WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU
Control over decisions
Children/Family Issues
Financial Interests
Fees
Confidentiality/Privacy Mutually beneficial outcomes
Length of time – Filing to Judgement
HIRING A PROFESSIONAL
Family/Friend referrals
Professional contact referrals (counselor, financial professional, etc.)
Internet Search
Verify attorney standing through the State Bar
SUGGESTIED CONSULTATION QUESTIONS
What are the benefits/risk/ advantages /disadvantages of: Litigation; Collaboration; Mediation; A hybrid model
What is your specialized area? How many years have you been practicing?
What documentation will you need from me?
What is the expected timeline and fee for completing this process?
What are the most common cost inflators? How can I minimize cost?
PREPARING FOR YOUR PROCESS (Detailed List Below)
Gather/organize financial records
Prioritize: Finances, cash flow, parenting/ co-parenting schedules,
Be proactive in divorce process and planning
Get emotional support with a focus on lowering anxiety
Focus on your children and don’t speak poorly of your spouse in front of them
FAMILY LAW DEFINITIONS
LITIGATION: The traditional court option where both spouses retain lawyers who present their case to a judge. The judge is the final decision maker. Litigation is an adversarial process.
PRIVATE MEDIATION: A neutral professional assists both spouses in settling their disputes in an effort to create a “win-win” situation. The spouses control the presentation and decision making in the case. Spouses commit to an open information gathering process.
COLLABORATION LAW: Combines the positive qualities of litigation and mediation in a non- court, non-adversarial process. Each spouse has the advice and counsel of their own lawyer. All commit to an open information gathering process and a commitment to settle without going to court.
ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION (ADR): Ways of making decisions and resolving disputes, other than litigation (contested hearings), including collaborative practice, mediation, parenting coordination, arbitration and neutral evaluation.
DISSOLUTION: Meaning “to end” or “dissolve.” Often used interchangeably with the word “divorce” as in “dissolution of marriage.”
DIVORCE COACH: A divorce coach is a skilled professional, trained to manage a wide variety of emotions and issues that arise during divorce. Divorce coaching is not legal advice and not therapy. Divorce coaching is not about placing blame, finding fault or dealing with the past.
FINANCIAL COUNSELOR: This professional acts as a neutral party who assists both spouses in gathering/understanding the couple’s financial information in a supportive environment.
MARITAL SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT: A written document that outlines the divorcing spouses’ rights and agreements regarding property, support and children.
MEDIATOR: A neutral, impartial person trained in negotiation, conflict resolution and communication. The mediator does not represent any party or take sides, nor does (s)he function as an attorney, judge, coach or therapist. (S)He explains the mediation process to the parties, and assists couples to clarify issues, concerns, interests, needs and values. The mediator brings in and works with various professionals as needs arise.
PRO PER: Literally means “do it yourself.” This term is often used in mediation and collaborative law to indicate that individuals have determined to represent themselves.
UNCONTESTED DIVORCE: A divorce in which all issues have been agreed upon by the parties.
COMPARISON OF DIVORCE PROCESS OPTIONS
Private Mediation 1 Mediator | Collaboration Team of Attys | Litigation Opposing Attys | |
|---|---|---|---|
Who Controls Process | Mediator facilitates, parties make decisions | Professionals organize process, parties make final decisions | Judge controls process/final decision maker |
Degree of Adversity | Mediator assists cooperation | Parties commit to non-adversarial process | Court process inherently adversarial |
Cost | Manageable and most cost effective process | Manageable, usually less than litigation | Costs unpredictable and can escalate rapidly |
Timetable | Parties create timetable; average 6-8 mos. | Parties create timetable; average 12-18 mos. | Judge sets timetable; often delayed; average 2-5 years |
Attorney involvement | Mediator serves as facilitator; parties may hire attys at some point | Team guides parties to agreement | Attys fight to "win." |
Communication | Parties communicate directly w/assistance | Parties communicate directly with team attys | Parties negotiate through attys |
Privacy | Details are privileged by law | Details are private among team/parties | Details become public record |
Voluntary vs. Mandatory | Voluntary, non-court based | Voluntary, non-court based | Mandatory, court based |
Outside Experts | May be retained by mutual decision | Jointly retained by mutual decision | Attys hire experts at will separately. |
PREPARING FOR DIVORCE
Before You File
Open a new checking/savings account in your name only. Change any individual direct deposits to this account
Open a credit card in your name only to use for emergencies only
Decide your desires when it comes to your shared home. Have a plan in place should you need to move out
Privacy
Consider a P.O. Box if you need to receive mail confidentially
Change your passwords – on every account you own. However, do not change passwords on joint accounts. Change your phone password. Use random passwords not related to anything in your life
Make your social media accounts private. Don't delete info, this way you control who sees them
Financial Information
Make a list of joint monthly bills
Make sure you know you and your spouse's net worth, income and expenses
Make a list of all joint financial accounts with current and past 12-month balances
Make a list of all credit cards in both your names
Make a list and find documentation on retirement accounts, IRS's, 401k's, pensions
Information about your Children
Update contact info with their school
Know your child's class schedule, extracurricular activities with dates, times, etc.
Plan ahead for custody issues and child care
Copies of Documents
Credit Report
Recent pay stubs for you and your spouse
Tax returns for at least the last 3 years
Bank statements credit card statements and any other financial accounts
If you/your spouse own a business, copies of certificates, company agreements, shareholder agreements, profit/loss statements and any other information reflecting financial condition of the company
Trust agreements. Real estate documents like deeds and mortgage documents
Car titles and loan information
Make a list of all personal property (furniture, art, jewelry, etc.)
Marriage Certificate. Copy the document and also include any pre-nup or post-nup agreements.
Government IDs. Have a copy of driver's licenses, passports, birth certificate, SS cards, and all the same for your children if needed.
Legal Documents. Copy living trusts, insurance documents, etc.
Professional Licenses. Copy work permits, visas, and green card as applicable.
Employment Agreements. This involves jobs that includes commissions and bonuses.
Medical/Dental Insurance. Have copies of all insurance information along with list of prescriptions, etc.
Asset List
Registration and Proof of Ownership. Take original or copy information on automobiles, trucks, motorcycles, recreational vehicles, etc.
Real Estate. Take copy of deed and all financial information about properties.
Businesses. Copy three years of tax returns for any companies owned.
Gifts. Gifts belong to you whether it is a gift card, inheritance, even your engagement and wedding ring.
Credit Reporting Agencies. Talk to your attorney about locking your credit with these companies.
Record of Belongings. If there is time and you don't risk getting caught, make a recording of all the belongings in your home. Use a friend's phone and then save it on someone else’s computer.
Take Pictures
Take pictures of items of value
Take pictures of each room of your home and its contents
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