When Love isn't Love

Look around almost any store and you’ll see red and pink hearts and reminders of love everywhere—it’s that time of year again. And love is also at the very heart of the Christian faith. Jesus Himself said love would be the defining mark of His followers (John 13:35). Yet when love is misunderstood or misapplied, it can quietly become corrupt, far from what God ever intended.

Loving vs. Enabling

One of the most common confusions among believers is the difference between loving someone and enabling sinful behavior. While love calls us to compassion, patience, and grace, it does not call us to ignore sin, excuse destruction, or sacrifice truth just to ‘get along.’ This can be especially true in relationships.

Loving well and enabling harm are not the same. Biblical love never requires enduring ongoing sin that destroys safety, dignity, or well-being. While the Bible does not use the modern term “enabling,” it does speak clearly about behaviors that allow sin, irresponsibility, or destructive patterns to continue often under the banner of kindness or mercy. Although the intentions may be sincere, enabling ultimately harms both the one being enabled and the one doing the enabling.

Consequences and Redemption

Scripture consistently affirms God uses discipline and consequences as instruments of transformation. Hebrews 12:11 says:  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” When we intervene to remove consequences from someone’s actions, we may be interfering with God’s redemptive work. Love that enables can delay repentance rather than encourage it.

The Bible warns against supporting sinful or destructive behavior. Ephesians 5:11 instructs believers to “have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” This does not mean shaming or condemning, but it does mean refusing to participate in or excuse what God calls harmful. Silence, avoidance, or continual rescue can become forms of quiet participation.

Jesus and Love

Jesus modeled compassion clearly. He was compassionate toward sinners, yet He set boundaries, confronted wrongdoing, named sin, and required repentance for restoration. When Jesus encountered the woman caught in adultery, He told her the truth without condemning her. But He also said, “Go and sin no more” (John 8:11). Grace and truth were not opposites in Jesus’ ministry—they were inseparable.

Accordingly, boundaries are not punishment; they are protection and an invitation to repent (Matthew 18:15–17). Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to “guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” While Jesus taught forgiveness, He never indicated it canceled consequences. And, the ideal is reconciliation, but is never required without genuine change.

Truth and Love

Remember, it is not our duty to change another person. Only God can bring true transformation. Our role is only to walk in truth, and love without enabling. God will handle the outcome. Scripture reminds us personal accountability matters. Galatians 6:2 calls believers to carry one another’s burdens, but verse 5 makes it clear each person must carry their own load. Helping someone in a season of weakness is biblical; assuming responsibility for their ongoing choices is not. Enabling occurs when we confuse the two.

While love that enables may feel merciful in the moment, love grounded in truth produces lasting fruit. God’s love never leaves us where it finds us. As believers, we are called to reflect love with compassion, patience, honesty, and graciousness without compromise. Loving well means pointing others toward freedom, not protecting them from the very truth that could set them free.

Conclusion

In the end, healthy love requires grace and truth. Biblical love does not ignore sin, excuse harm, or sacrifice safety in the name of peace. Instead, it reflects God’s heart by protecting what is vulnerable, confronting what is destructive, and trusting Him for the outcome. Choosing not to enable is not a failure to love—it is often the bravest expression of it. When we set wise boundaries, we create space for repentance, healing, and restoration, allowing love to do what God designed it to do: bring life, freedom, and redemption.