At one time or another, most people have been deeply wounded by someone they love. The deep pain is often accompanied by anger and resentment. Focusing on anything other than the sorrow is difficult, and you feel like you might never recover. The more you replay the incident in your mind, the more you can feel mad, resentful, and bitter.
The same is true when you do something that injures your own heart. The pain may not be the same but can be just as damaging.
Forgiving Others
As you may know, the remedy for the pain caused by a loved one is forgiveness. Just saying that word, however, usually triggers an immediate reaction. “What??!! I’m supposed to forgive them!!???” And that response is completely normal. When nursing a deep, emotional wound, forgiveness is not usually on the list of good medicine. However, counselors, psychologists, and God’s Word agree, it is the one and only prescription for healing and moving on.
Accepting this treatment plan is hard, mostly because of the incorrect assumptions about what it involves. For instance, many believe forgiveness lets the offender off the hook, almost like approving the offense. But it doesn’t. The Greek word in the New Testament for forgiveness is the word, “aphiemi,” meaning to release. That’s not approval. Instead, it frees the other person from your right to hurt them back. While the hurt was real, you give God your right to punish them.
Another misconception indicates forgiveness means automatic reconciliation, a return to the old relationship. Sometimes, the person who inflicted the hurt is unsafe and should not be trusted. Trusting them could be dangerous, opening the door for more abuse or injury. Although God instructs us to forgive others, that never includes trusting the violator, or even to accept being around them. Forgiveness is an unselfish choice not to seek revenge. On the other hand, reconciliation only happens when the offender truly repents.
There is much information on the process of forgiving. First and foremost, you can start by admitting the emotions you feel. Stuffing them, ignoring them, or pretending they don’t exist will not work. Next, make a conscious decision to work to forgive. You will need to be willing, to be willing. Lastly, release the destructive feelings associated with the offense. This would be like releasing someone from a monetary debt they owe you. It doesn’t mean they didn’t borrow the money, just that you are giving up your right for repayment. The journey to forgive will be up to you, will take time and may require some help from a professional.
Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving someone who has wronged you is one thing, but what do you do when you need to apply this objective to yourself? Relating this process to personal guilt, regret, shame, or remorse, might feel strange or unnecessary. Yet, how do you resolve the painful feelings you are harboring against yourself? The reality is, when the same record of regret plays repeatedly in your mind, it can lead to the same anger, bitterness, or shame, as being wounded by someone else. And, it keeps you from being emotionally healthy. Even worse, it can hinder your relationship with God.
Personal forgiveness is not specifically addressed in the Bible. However, the feelings creating that need can be referred to as grief or sorrow. 2 Corinthians 7:10 says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” In other words, feeling badly about doing something wrong is right. Yet, that sorrow ought to lead to conviction, repentance and then seeking forgiveness, first from God. The problem is, even when receiving God’s forgiveness, you can still nurse the painful feelings which hinders your healing.
Also important to understand, you are in no way forgiving your own sin. In Matthew chapter 6 and Luke chapter 17, the Bible indicates believers are to pardon the wrong of being hurt by someone. However, forgiving them doesn’t release them from sin; it just releases them from making restitution. That is the same concept applied to forgiving yourself. You choose to release the sorrow so healing can take place.
Consequences of Unforgiveness
Holding onto unforgiveness, whether it is of someone who hurt you, or your own regret, has the same effect physically. There are many places in Scripture which describes the internal impact of clinging to hard feelings.
Proverbs 27:3 (NIV) says, "A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but the resentment caused by a fool is heavier than both." The Hebrew word for "resentment" in this verse means anger, grief, and frustration. This same word is used by both Job (Job 17:7) and King David (Psalm 31:9) when they describe their feelings during a particularly difficult time.
Proverbs 17:22 (TPT) "A joyful, cheerful heart brings healing to both body and soul. But the one whose heart is crushed struggles with sickness and depression. " This description of having a hurting heart is confirmed by research and professional counselors.
Proverbs 15:13 (NIV), "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." Strong feelings, created by a hurtful event often does tremendous harm to your life, and can even impact those around you.
This is why it's crucial to look at those feelings of regret, guilt, shame, or remorse, and recognize them as an assault against yourself. Just as forgiving others doesn’t give them a “pass,” forgiving yourself doesn't justify what was done. It is a courageous choice, giving you the opportunity to be an overcomer rather than remaining a victim of your own scorn.
One thing is important to note about self-forgiveness. If you are struggling with self-contempt because you suffered abuse or trauma at the hand of another, this process may be extremely difficult. Because abuse usually includes blaming the victim, the shame can be deeply embedded in your heart. Working through those feelings caused by something beyond your control may require professional help.
Conclusion
Paul, in his letter to Philippi, gives the best advice for handling the past and moving ahead. Philippians 3:13-15 (NIV) says, "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." The Hebrew word translated here into "forget" does not mean you 'no longer remember.' Only God has that power. Instead, it means “no longer caring for.” In other words, you don’t "forget" the thing causing the pain, regret, or guilt. Instead, you choose to stop looking back and allowing it to continue to cause you pain.
In truth, dealing with the hurts of life can, in the end, have a positive impact on your life. Ecclesiastes 7:3 (NLT) says, “Sorrow is better than laughter: for sadness has a refining influence on us.” How we choose to move through the pain will determine the negative or positive impact. The following four steps to practicing self-forgiveness may help get you started:
Acceptance. Accept what happened. Ignoring or denying the incident or experience will not make it magically disappear. Face it. (Ecclesiastes 7:13)
Accountability. Take responsibility for your part in the mess and repent. Ask God to forgive you. (Proverbs 28:13)
Amends. Work to have compassion and extend mercy to yourself. No one is perfect. Work to release your feelings of self-scorn. (Mark 12:31)
Actuate. Take Paul’s advice and allow yourself to move past the experience. You can’t alter it. But you can learn from the experience and become better for it. (Colossians 2:7)
Isaiah 43:18-19(a) says: “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!” In other words, the past cannot be changed, but you can make changes to benefit your future. Forgiving others and forgiving yourself is an essential part of the journey to peace and healing. With God’s help you can let go of anger, bitterness, or self-condemnation. Life is a work in progress so take it day by day. Philippians 4:6-7: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
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