Going through the breakup of a marriage is difficult. Whether you stood before a hundred people or a Justice of the Peace, the pain of the broken dreams is daunting. Fear and emotional hurt can make reestablishing even a little contact, unimaginable.
While considering forgiveness and reconciliation is hard, experts agree it’s the best way to move on. Unfortunately, however, there are no exact rules or instructions in pursuing either of these with your ex. But because the two are often confused, it can be helpful to understand what they are and how they are different, before beginning that journey.
Forgiveness
There is often a huge misconception about forgiveness. For instance, some believe saying the words ‘I forgive you,’ makes the hurt magically disappear. Others think forgiving means trust returns automatically. Still others believe an actual relationship is required once forgiveness is extended. However, none of these are true, especially when it concerns your ex-spouse.
Forgiveness is a complicated process and it has nothing to do with anyone but you. There is mercy involved, but that doesn’t mean trusting, accepting, or approving the wrong. Forgiving can free us, while not completing the process can keep us bound by bitterness and regret if we don’t let go.
Matthew 18 gives some insight into the process. Jesus tells the story of a servant who owed his master a ton of money. It was a huge debt and there was no way this servant could pay it back. So, the master chose to release this guy from having to repay what was owed. Even though it doesn’t sound like it, the context in this chapter is justice. And of course, that’s the desire of any victim of an abusive or broken relationship.
Truth is, you get to decide exactly what you are owed from this painful situation. Stop and count the cost of the loss. Depending upon the situation, the price might be sky-high. Once you’ve felt the pain, grieved the loss, and taken stock of the damage, you then have a choice to make. Do you hold on to the need for restitution; or, do you release your ex from the debt of the wreckage? It’s your choice. Is holding onto the anger, staying mad, resentful, and unhappy, fair to you? Or, is justice letting go of what is owed and allowing yourself to be free?
Cutting the cords of anger and resentment is liberating. You don’t even have to say the words out loud. Forgiveness is all about you and your choice. In fact, payback isn’t up to you, anyway. Romans 12:19-20 says, “Beloved, don't be obsessed with taking revenge, but leave that to God's righteous justice. For the Scriptures say: “Vengeance is mine, and I will repay,” says the Lord.”
That’s the secret to forgiveness. Sure, you can keep drinking the Kool-Aid of bitterness, hoping it will impact your ex, but it won’t. Releasing the feelings, however, will break the bonds keeping you tied to him or her. Now you might not be ready to take this step. But give yourself permission to start moving in that direction. It will take courage and help from God. Nevertheless, the benefits of forgiveness absolutely outweigh the cost of unforgiveness.
Reconciliation
The second and more difficult part of your post-divorce world, is how to reconcile the relationship with your ex-spouse. This is important, especially if you share children. But it doesn’t mean “getting back together.”
Reconciliation is first and foremost a process of reestablishing a relationship in which both parties are connected through communication. Full restoration of the marriage doesn’t have to take place, but healing can. Where forgiveness is unilateral, meaning it’s personal for one person; reconciliation is bilaterial, meaning it takes two people to accomplish.
For a better understanding, it might be helpful to know what reconciliation is not.
Reconciliation is not always about remarrying your ex-spouse.
Reconciliation does not indicate you condone or accept abusive or consistently inappropriate behavior (alcohol or substance abuse; pornography; continued affairs, emotional and physical abuse, etc.). While you can forgive the behavior, under no circumstances must you put yourself back in situations where this occurs.
It is not “reconciliation at all costs.” In Matthew 18:15-19 Jesus gives instructions how to begin to reconcile a broken relationship. "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Thus, first there is confrontation of the sin or wrong behavior. Then, after following the process in these scriptures, Jesus says you are free to break contact if the person does not repent.
Reconciliation is also not about trusting or being friends. The relationship can be cordial without trust or friendship.
Reconciliation requires both you and your ex. You can’t do it by yourself. And in a separation or divorce situation, there can be three ways to reconcile.
Civility for Coparenting. If you share children, this will be helpful; if not for you, for them. And, you can work to make it amicable even if your ex-spouse doesn’t try. Romans 12:18 indicates it is our responsibility to encourage peace: “If it is possible, as far as it depends upon you, live at peace with everyone.” And when it gets tough, because it probably will, remember it is for your children.
· Friendship. Depending upon your ex-spouse, this might be doable. However, be cautious with your trust and effort. Ground rules and boundaries might help you to remain amicable. You will still need to be discerning. Proverbs 12:26(a) says: “A righteous man is cautious in friendship.”
· Restoration of the Marriage. This is a huge step, and will involve BOTH parties making changes. It takes work. And because it depends upon the other person as much as you, your expectations need to be realistic. If you continue to see inappropriate behaviors from your ex, be cautious and wise. Proverbs 18:15: “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.
Reconciliation is a journey. Most importantly, it does not mean you must trust your ex, retain a friendship, or even have a cordial relationship. You can be kind and civil without putting yourself back into a situation where you are at risk.
Conclusion
When it comes to your post-divorce relationship, forgiveness and reconciliation are important. One is the gift you give yourself, and the other is the gift you give your children.
Forgiving breaks the ties binding you to your ex-spouse. Without it, you will never truly be free of them. On the other hand, reconciliation may make it possible to at least have peace between you. It can be achieved through the supernatural strength from the Lord.
A.W. Tozer said, “As God is exalted to the right place in our lives, a thousand problems are solved all at once.” Putting Jesus in charge of your forgiveness and reconciliation is the best way to accomplish both. Living this way means trusting God to heal the damage and bring beauty from the brokenness. He can redeem the pain, with nothing being wasted.
You can trust God. The work isn’t easy, but by inviting the presence of the Holy Spirit into your situation, freedom and peace are possible.
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