Abuse can come in different forms. It can be obvious, like a physical assault that leaves bruises and black eyes. On the other hand, other mistreatment like verbal and emotional battering, is often invisible because the damage cannot be seen with the human eye. But whether it is visible or not, God’s Word confirms the resulting injury is difficult to live with. “But no one can live with a broken spirit." Proverbs 18:14(b).
There is one type of abuse, however, which has been largely overlooked. So covert, the behavior is easily missed or minimized. It is called “gaslighting.” While many have heard the term, some have no idea what it is or even if it is being utilized to hurt them in their relationship.
The Origin of the Term Gaslighting
This term was coined from a 1944 movie entitled, “Gas Light.” Ingred Bergman won an academy award for her role as the leading actress, Paula. In this psychological thriller, Paula falls for and marries a charming man named Gregory. But she doesn’t know he is only after her money. Slowly Gregory begins to torment his young bride by gradually dimming their gas lights. He also hides things so she can’t find them, and then replaces them. As she notices these changes, he tells her they are not happening and questions her sanity. Little by little, she begins to believe him.
As is shown in the movie, gaslighting is a very deceptive form of psychological abuse. It is solely intended to control, confuse, and intimidate someone so their reality is altered. Victims doubt their memory, reality, their judgment, and even their sanity.
Typical Signs of Gaslighting
Abusive romantic relationships are often riddled with behaviors intended to harm and control. But sometimes it isn’t easy to know if gaslighting is also happening. Because it is coming from someone you love and trust, it’s easy to underestimate the damage. Following are some examples of crazy-making habits to look for.
Lying and continuously refusing to admit the lie even when caught, claiming you misunderstood.
Constantly denying something you witnessed ever occurred and claiming you’ve remembered it wrong.
Always trivializing your feelings as though you’re overreacting.
Spreading rumors and misinformation about you to create a false narrative. Or, conversely saying others are gossiping about you.
Repeatedly accusing you of being dramatic when you confront your loved one about their behavior.
Shifting the blame for their behavior and deflecting responsibility by claiming it’s really your fault. You are always wrong and they are always right.
Twisting the truth to minimize what they did.
Working to isolate you from friends and family.
Some ‘gas lighters’ are not consciously aware of what they are doing. They have so deceived themselves mentally, they believe their own lies. Then there are others who do know, but are so afraid of the truth they hide it anyway they can. Still other ‘gas lighters’ know exactly what they’re doing. Intentional or not, gaslighting is sin, coming from a place of selfishness, deception, and a desire to control.
Interestingly, while the term “gaslighting” is not used in the Bible, it was utilized in the first temptation mentioned in Genesis 3:1-3. Satan cunningly asked Eve what she heard God say about the tree of knowledge. Then he questioned Eve’s recollection, claiming she was wrong. It is a perfect example of gaslighting. Satan caused Eve to doubt the reality of what she knew to be true.
This emotional manipulation can have a serious impact on your mental and emotional health. And evidence of the behavior is more often seen in how this conduct makes you feel. Following are examples:
You continually feel misunderstood and alone.
You doubt the reality of how you are being treated.
You repeatedly doubt yourself (“Did it really happen?” “Was I mistaken?”)
You’ve become distrustful of yourself and others.
You always feel like you did something wrong, because you are always blamed.
You have a nagging feeling that something is amiss but you can’t determine what that is.
You constantly question your decisions and actions.
You feel depressed and anxious.
You have no confidence in yourself.
Even though your offender may deny the behavior, gaslighting is abuse and the impact is toxic. It is selfish, deceptive, and comes from a heart of conceit, and God calls all this sin.
Philippians 2:3–4: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Romans 12:3: “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.”
Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
Proverbs 12:22: “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.”
If You are Experiencing Gaslighting
Being tormented in this way is so confusing. So, the first step in dealing with this behavior is to recognize it is happening to you, and then see it for what it is – abuse and sin.
Most importantly, know you cannot change your ‘gas lighter.’ Likely, your tormentor has a toxic need for control. You can, however, set boundaries and begin to protect yourself. Following are tips to help you deal with what is happening.
Choose your boundaries wisely. Remember, they are a way to defend yourself, not control your loved one. Limit the conversation when the accusations begin. Don’t accept blame when you know something is not your fault. Titus 2:12: “For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age.”
Make notes about your interactions. Since the person gaslighting you will twist words and situations, document conversations and events so you will know the truth. This will help you begin to trust your recollections. Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Take care of yourself. Gaslighting can be mentally and physically draining. So, work to reduce your stress by starting a hobby; reading a book; take a walk by yourself; spend time alone with God; or meet a friend for coffee. Whatever gives you some peace, do it. Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Consider seeking professional help. Talking to a counselor is often a great way to sort through your feelings and understand how this behavior is impacting your mental health. Proverbs 11:14: “For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers.”
Understand you may need to create distance in your relationship. No one wants to leave a spouse but they may never see the issue from your perspective. Healthy people will work on their weaknesses. But you can’t do that for your loved one. You can only change you. And only through prayer and trusting God will you know what to do to fully protect yourself. Psalm 101:7 “No one who practices deceit shall dwell in my house; no one who utters lies shall continue before my eyes.”
These suggestions can help you begin to reclaim your self-worth and confidence. Although you have no power to stop your loved one from gaslighting, you can begin to identify your perpetrator’s behaviors. Realizing they’re a result of his (or her) insecurity and sin can help in minimizing the impact on your life.
Conclusion
Gaslighting is an abusive practice. Once you realize it is happening, you can work to detach and not buy in to the false narratives. However, it is critical to accept that your partner may not change. ‘Gas lighters’ rarely admit to their behavior. For an abuser to change it will take commitment and effort from both partners. Sometimes, when one person takes the lead to change, the other will step up in response. That is the hope.
In the meantime, work to rebuild your integrity. Galatians 6:8 says, “But the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.” Stay focused on God and the work of the Spirit in your heart to heal.
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